Working through struggles. Ever been with someone who needs to know everything you are doing all of the time? Not only is that insecurity on the other person's part but it is also a form of controlling behavior.
Does your other half mention how many miles you are driving in any given period? He/she is checking up on you and your whereabouts without allowing you the freedom to just go for a drive. Another controlling behavior.
Does he (for the sake of simplicity I will use "he" for gender), insists on going or doing the grocery shopping or the cooking? Why? Do you not save enough money? Use enough coupons? or cook well enough? or does he have a need to be in control? Granted, some really can't cook and it's a shared duty but I'm talking about one day you just can't cook - based on his comments. He makes you feel inferior & lack the confidence to do something you once did well.
Are you allowed to listen to anything you want? Wear anything you want? Fingernail polish? Jewlery? Wear your hair the style and length you want without harrassment?
In short, are you allowed to be your own person and compliment him or do you have to change in order to make him happy and keep the peace?
Does he bottle up his anger & then explode? Does he ever threaten you in any form or fashion or wish someone else would do the deed?
Does he belittle you? Chastise you? Try to make you feel small or guilty? Are you given an allowance? In other words, treated like a kid?
Do you feel loved or do you just go through the motions?
Is it (your life together) all about him? Are you often fearful and feel like you are living on eggshells?
Believe me, you are not alone. These may sound petty to some but all of the above are acts of a controlling & manipulative nature. One who wants things their way & if you don't do it, his way then you have to hit the highway!
What happens in abusive relationships? How do they start?
Typically the initial relationship is short. very short. Within weeks the two of you are married. Quickly, you'll see changes and quickly the controlling starts. Where once he was giving and loving, changes to "I handle the checkbook. Don't wear your hair that way. I don't like fingernail polish. That music isn't allowed," etc.
Abuse starts subtly and grows over time. Control, manipulation, belittling, physical harm, threats - are ABUSE.
the above link - Support Network for Battered Women. Below is a small excerpt:
Battering is the use or threat to use physical, or verbal behavior to coerce the partner into doing something one wants -- to degrade or humiliate; to gain or maintain a sense of power or control. Abusive behaviors create an atmosphere of intimidation in a relationship.
Some of the kinds of battering include:
Emotional Abuse: Name calling…Insulting…Humiliation…Criticizing…Blaming… Accusing… Questioning your sanity… Making fun of you… Threatening… Retaliation… Not permitting (or limiting) you to have contact with friends or family… Not letting you leave the house (or putting restrictions on your leaving the house i.e. use only the company car on trips more than 5 miles when he is the one in charge & driving the company car & it is 90% in his possession) … Not letting you work (again restrictions - it must fit his time frame & schedule) or go to school (or is not supportive if you do go & frequently says its a waste of time)… … Monitoring your movements (when you can see your friends, where you can go, how many miles you drive) … Saying that you deserve any abuse you are given.
Sexual Abuse: Withholding sex or having sex on his schedule… Name-calling of sexual epithets such as "slut". Insists on sexual acts you don't want to participate in (either we have a swap partners night or you don't go visit your friend out of town).
Economic Abuse: Putting you on allowance so that you have to ask money for work clothes or for a coke. Although you may write the checks, you are NOT in control of the money. The abuser is.
Physical Abuse: Throwing you across the room, choking or attempt to choke.
Battering results in fear and degradation. All batterers abuse their victims in order to gain control of them. Abuse intimidates the victimized partner, damages both self-confidence and one’s ability to evaluate one’s situation. Abuse inhibits the victim from taking action to protect oneself.
So, the above pertains to me and I hope you will click on the above link for more indepth information. Abuse starts so very slowly but it continues to the point the victim doesn't even realize it because she is used to being treated that way! IT MUST STOP!
We must stop it with ourselves so that our DAUGHTERS don't become victims of abusive relationships. Changing, hopefully, one woman at a time from an abused victim to a beautiful and wonderful person that she was intended to be.
No one deserves it. Don't believe the bullshit and lies and his deceitful nature. I have so much to say but my thoughts race as to where to begin so, as things come to me and I feel led, I'll keep adding.
Hoping to make a difference because .... I AM stronger within.
Peace
Like a child's hand in his dad's or mom's hand - full of love and trust - without a worry or a care - receiving comfort just from the touch, so I am to you. So was I to my friends. My friends are my closest and dearest "family". Without their love and strength and belief in me, I wouldn't have gotten very far.
