Regaining Your Strength

there's someone out there who cares. If you perhaps in a relationship that is less than normal, possibly abusive, if you're feeling down & scared, I'm here to hopefully help you find the strength within you to become a stronger person.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Like a child's hand in his dad's or mom's hand - full of love and trust - without a worry or a care - receiving comfort just from the touch, so I am to you. So was I to my friends. My friends are my closest and dearest "family". Without their love and strength and belief in me, I wouldn't have gotten very far.

Gone is the resentment and bitterness. Gone is the hatefulness. Gone is the bully. Even though he'll never admit it to anyone, he knows how badly he treated not only myself and my child, but his children and their mother. One day karma will catch up to him and he'll get what he deserves. Someone will come along smarter and more clever than him. I leave it in God's hands.

I know he reads this and to that I say, "yes there is a God and No not only stupid people believe in God. You are stupid for NOT believing in God. I am glad to be rid of you and away from you. Your children are MUCH better away from you. Their biological mother is much more than you could ever dream to be. Good bye and good riddance. You can only fool some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time and your attorney friend will see the light and the true you if he hasn't already. You are a liar. You are a manipulator and a controller and a bully and an abuser and selfish and self-centered and very cheap. You don't love. You don't know how. It isn't in you."

I'm so glad I left and got away. I'm so grateful for what I have and what I've accomplished.

For those in a similar situation, don't give up - there is lots of help out there. Hang in there. Keep believing. Keep striving. Keep saying, "today is a great day." Believe in yourself.

as always,
with a big hug,

Monday, January 29, 2007

One of my favorite spots to visit. Life sure has a funny way of working things out. I'm so much happier and content now. More than I've been since before I met my ex, twelve years ago on Wednesday.

There's hope for anyone in a similar situation like mine. Even when the skies seem so dark and gloomy, when you cry more than smile, when you're sad more than happy, when you feel there's no reason to go on. There is. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's a good thing.

Please hang in there and remember all the good things life has to offer. It's so much better being alone and happy than with someone and miserable, thinking suicide is the only way out. It isn't. It leaves so many others hurting. yes, your pain is gone but what about the ones you left behind? Whoever reads this, you've got a friend. Please don't live like I did. Don't be a door mat to anyone, don't be so submissive that you lose who you are. You CAN wear what you like, dress how you like, cook what you like, buy the groceries you like and you even have the authority to spend some of the money! You are not a prisoner or a slave just because you got married and you are a housewife. There are limits to your duties, to what you are expected, and to what you "have" to do. You don't "have" to do anything! However, you should want to please your mate, as he should want to please you.

Do not listen to belittling comments, hateful words, or be bossed around. Stand up for yourself. Kick him out. Take over or get out and lead a much better life. The creator is so good. Trust in your friends. Trust in life. Keep hope. Keep faith. Keep singing. Keep smiling. Keep on keepin' on.


Sunday, January 14, 2007

God has been gracious

The good Lord has been so good to me. He put many people in my path that helped me along the way. Friends with never failing love or support or acceptance. The truth wasn't hard to see. Yes, he lied. Yes, he bended it .. but the Lord see's. Without the love of my friends and my church, I don't know where I would have ended up.

I want so much to help women get out of abusive relationships, I just don't know how to go about it. I know this blog needs lots of work. It needs links added to helpful places, links to open your eyes, links for sources of help & hope.

Please listen to me, you are valuable, you are loved, and you do NOT deserve whatever demeaning treatment you are receiving! A wolf in sheep's clothing .. A Dr Jeykell & Mr. Hyde, a person with lots of persona's ... a controlling and manipulating and pushy and demeaning and abusive person. YOU ARE WORTHY of so much more.

My love and strong desire goes out to you .. please reach out for whatever help you may need. Call a friend, call a crisis center, call a church ... just please call.

peace & a hug,

Sunday, December 31, 2006

A Reflection

As this year ends and another one gets ready to begin, I sit here reflecting on how far I've come as a person these past 365 days ....

Since my divorce, I have completely gotten off medication, I sleep better, I cry less, I'm not scared all the time, I'm alot happier, and I am so much more .... settled.

It's amazing what a year can do. Although, I didn't fair as well as I should have during the divorce because of my physical condition, I decided money wasn't worth it. I just wanted it over. I wanted the controller, abuser, bully, liar, manipulator, Dr. Jekyll, and Mr. Hyde out of my life.

Now that I have closure, I've been able to move on with my life. I never thought I could feel so happy inside that I was going to burst. I have a new life beginning and starting tomorrow, that's exactly what I intend to do.

I'm going to finally put some things in the past and leave them there.

I'm going to continue to live life my way - eating better, living better.

I'm going to continue to give thanks.

I'm going to continue this blog. Only next year, I'll post the help a battered woman needs. Most important step is the first step - admitting to yourself that you are indeed in a relationshp that is unhealthy and you need to get out.

I'm going to continue to build my self esteem, self confidence, and knowledge.

~ Knowledge is power. Knowledge is interesting. Never underestimate the power .. of power. ~

Happy 2007. I hope you realize that you are important, needed, and useful. You are deserving of much more. Begin to plan, begin to leave. Life is such a beautiful ray of hope and love and sunshine and so colorful - just like the rainbow. Better days are ahead ... just take the first step to begin how to get out and to trust in friends. You're so much more deserving than what you are going through.

Peace & a hug

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

~ what a whirlwind ~

Talk about a whirl wind CONTROLLED relationship! In LESS than 2-1/2 months we were married! I was moved into his place, put my home up for sale, trading in my vehicle for a now "family" vehicle, and MARRIED! Wow!

The Penny Pincher wedding - do it all yourself or at least as much and I do mean as much as you can ... not because you do it out of love to sacrifice but to save money. The $500 wedding. We saved a lot of money and that isn't really the point. The point is .. his HABIT ... very hungry & money conscious and cheap!

Right off the bat, BEFORE we got married, in my new "home" I stated my uncertainty once again. He again, told me I was just "nervous". What was he going to do now? He was in a court battle for custody of his kids and I was living in his home. Of course, we get married and by the way, I should mention, we missed the last day of "mandatory counseling" by the minister who married us - to save money. The Ex says it wasn't necessary and nonsense.

Right after being married, I wanted to leave. I wasn't happy. Too many things had to be his way. He cried, said to give it more time.

In less than three weeks, he physically assualts me.

I packed to go, got a job, and a home picked out and everything. Arrangements are money. Took an advance off the mastercard. Night before I leave I tell him my plans, showed him my plans. I was telling the truth, I was leaving.

Talk about crying then!! Everything will be better, just give me *this * and I'll be happy. I need you (HELLO - yeah, because he is climbing the corporate ladder & travels quite a bit), the children need you (umm, no. They need their biological mom & I stopped believing your lies a long time ago). So, what did I do?????

Yep. I stayed. I unpacked. I gave the clothes away. I returned the money. I cried.

Approximately one & a half years after the first assualt he assualts me again. This time, I had him arrested. He promised to make me pay for it. He promised to never forgive or forget. He said if I ever humiliated him like that again, he'd beat me to a bloody pulp and no one but the corona would be able to recognize me. and. he meant it.

Why doesn't one leave when clearly they know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are in danger?

I don't know. I only know I didn't. I felt the girls needed me and I wanted to keep the family together and besides, he travelled alot. I dont' know but I didn't leave.

There's so much to get off my heart in order to finish healing. It's gonna take time.

I'll post links to awesome sites very soon.


Thursday, November 02, 2006

Nothing but the truth

~ Names have been or will be changed ~

Hello again,

I met my ex-husband on a blind date. In less than two and a half months we were married. I should have expected something amiss when the very first meeting, he required me to pay the meal for myself and my child although he asked us out to dinner. (show's his greedy side).

our first "real" date was a buy one get one meal and also a "free" appetizer (because it didn't turn out right ~ um hum ... nods head ... it's so clear NOW ~) ... followed by our next date to where there was an expected $1 (yes one dollar) donation to the cause but he didn't contribute (MAN how could I have been so blind?!).

Stop by the grocery store to pick up a bottle wine to go to my place & visit? sure .... yes, again - I paid for the bottle of wine.

Valentine's Day he so cleverly waited to order flowers on that date in late morning (he admitted to me he didn't request them until about 11:00 that morning) and when they arrived 5 minutes late he DEMANDED his money back even though the florist graciously suggested a credit on the account for flowers any time he wanted.

Wow .... if only I'd listened to my boss ... is he frugal or is he cheap? Ohhhhh no, he just likes to save money. Boy, did he ever. To the point of stealing coupons out of newspapers so he'd have a second set. Sorry to all those people who bought the newspapers he took the coupons out of.

* sighs deeply. This is going to take me awhile so I am only going to post a little bit at a time about my past relationship*

What the above actions tell me, now, looking back, is just how money hungry he is. It started right off the bat - others saw it, I made excuses. He was clever. He was cheap. He was a user. That's how abusers operate.

How to Regain Your Strength

  1. Realize - you are not being treated normal.
  2. Admit - you need help
  3. Plan - to get out.
  4. Seek - help & guidance on how to get out.
  5. Leave - Get out. However you have to.
  6. Stay out. Don't buy into "I'll change" See the changes first.
  7. Change - to avoid falling into another abusive / destructive relationship.
  8. Live - You'll learn to live again a much happier & meaningful life
  9. Trust - You'll start developing trustworthy relationships
  10. Love - You'll be loved the way you should have been
  11. Happy - Finally you'll be happy when it's all said and done
  12. Help - If you meet someone in a similar situation, offer a helping hand.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Working through struggles. Ever been with someone who needs to know everything you are doing all of the time? Not only is that insecurity on the other person's part but it is also a form of controlling behavior.
Does your other half mention how many miles you are driving in any given period? He/she is checking up on you and your whereabouts without allowing you the freedom to just go for a drive. Another controlling behavior.
Does he (for the sake of simplicity I will use "he" for gender), insists on going or doing the grocery shopping or the cooking? Why? Do you not save enough money? Use enough coupons? or cook well enough? or does he have a need to be in control? Granted, some really can't cook and it's a shared duty but I'm talking about one day you just can't cook - based on his comments. He makes you feel inferior & lack the confidence to do something you once did well.
Are you allowed to listen to anything you want? Wear anything you want? Fingernail polish? Jewlery? Wear your hair the style and length you want without harrassment?
In short, are you allowed to be your own person and compliment him or do you have to change in order to make him happy and keep the peace?
Does he bottle up his anger & then explode? Does he ever threaten you in any form or fashion or wish someone else would do the deed?
Does he belittle you? Chastise you? Try to make you feel small or guilty? Are you given an allowance? In other words, treated like a kid?
Do you feel loved or do you just go through the motions?
Is it (your life together) all about him? Are you often fearful and feel like you are living on eggshells?
Believe me, you are not alone. These may sound petty to some but all of the above are acts of a controlling & manipulative nature. One who wants things their way & if you don't do it, his way then you have to hit the highway!
What happens in abusive relationships? How do they start?
Typically the initial relationship is short. very short. Within weeks the two of you are married. Quickly, you'll see changes and quickly the controlling starts. Where once he was giving and loving, changes to "I handle the checkbook. Don't wear your hair that way. I don't like fingernail polish. That music isn't allowed," etc.
Abuse starts subtly and grows over time. Control, manipulation, belittling, physical harm, threats - are ABUSE.
the above link - Support Network for Battered Women. Below is a small excerpt:
Battering is the use or threat to use physical, or verbal behavior to coerce the partner into doing something one wants -- to degrade or humiliate; to gain or maintain a sense of power or control. Abusive behaviors create an atmosphere of intimidation in a relationship.
Some of the kinds of battering include:
Emotional Abuse: Name calling…Insulting…Humiliation…Criticizing…Blaming… Accusing… Questioning your sanity… Making fun of you… Threatening… Retaliation… Not permitting (or limiting) you to have contact with friends or family… Not letting you leave the house (or putting restrictions on your leaving the house i.e. use only the company car on trips more than 5 miles when he is the one in charge & driving the company car & it is 90% in his possession) … Not letting you work (again restrictions - it must fit his time frame & schedule) or go to school (or is not supportive if you do go & frequently says its a waste of time)… … Monitoring your movements (when you can see your friends, where you can go, how many miles you drive) … Saying that you deserve any abuse you are given.
Sexual Abuse: Withholding sex or having sex on his schedule… Name-calling of sexual epithets such as "slut". Insists on sexual acts you don't want to participate in (either we have a swap partners night or you don't go visit your friend out of town).
Economic Abuse: Putting you on allowance so that you have to ask money for work clothes or for a coke. Although you may write the checks, you are NOT in control of the money. The abuser is.
Physical Abuse: Throwing you across the room, choking or attempt to choke.
Battering results in fear and degradation. All batterers abuse their victims in order to gain control of them. Abuse intimidates the victimized partner, damages both self-confidence and one’s ability to evaluate one’s situation. Abuse inhibits the victim from taking action to protect oneself.
So, the above pertains to me and I hope you will click on the above link for more indepth information. Abuse starts so very slowly but it continues to the point the victim doesn't even realize it because she is used to being treated that way! IT MUST STOP!
We must stop it with ourselves so that our DAUGHTERS don't become victims of abusive relationships. Changing, hopefully, one woman at a time from an abused victim to a beautiful and wonderful person that she was intended to be.
No one deserves it. Don't believe the bullshit and lies and his deceitful nature. I have so much to say but my thoughts race as to where to begin so, as things come to me and I feel led, I'll keep adding.
Hoping to make a difference because .... I AM stronger within.

Regaining Your Strength

Good morning,

Hmmmm, this is my first exposure to creating a blog. Sure, I've read a couple but never actually thought I'd create one for myself. So, hang in there with me as I work through all the ups & downs of this thing.

Coming up with the title "Regaining Your Strength" seemed to be most appropriate as I hope it will reach a wide audience.

This isn't about physical strength per se or spiritual strength. It's about regaining the strength that is inside you to leave / abandon / or change the relationship you are in if it is one that causes you more pain and suffering than happy days with smiles and laughter.

I'll tell my story as I build this blog. I just want anyone who is feeling down, feeling hopeless, feeling like they wish they could just go to sleep and not wake up, or feels like there is no one out there for them whether it be male or female or just a friend. I want you to know beyond any shadow of a doubt - there is someone out there - and it is ME!

Without the encouragement of my friends, without their love and support and help, I am 100% certain I would not be sitting here today.

I'm here for you. The world isn't so empty when you know you have at least one friend out there. I met one of my bestfriends online. It's been 4 years and we are still bestfriends. I've physically met many people off the internet and became awesome friends. It can happen. Don't be scared of reaching out to someone on the net.

peace & a good morning hug,

Stronger Within